My Dad................

When you are a kid you really don't think about anything your parents do for you. You get to go swimming every week, get given money to go ice skating, get party invites, and presents and a card appear for your friends. School clubs and trips are paid for without a second thought. The birthday and Christmas presents you want so badly, are there waiting for you to open and the pocket money is dished out without a second thought. That pair of Nike trainers you've been wanting for ages finally arrives........it's never ending.........

It is not until you are much older, possibly even when you have your own children and the cycle starts again that it makes you think of everything your parents did for you........

I was already aware of everything my Mum and Dad did for me and my younger brother and sister before I had my kids, but as they get older and you do things for them it brings back tons of memories all the time, especially as money is tight......

This year my lovely Dad was diagnosed with Cancer of the Oesophagus. Initially, we were all pretty upset at the diagnoses, but we got over it and all began to think positively and that he will get through it as so many other people do. However, half way through his chemo we discovered that it was having no affect whatsoever. This was bad, and to make matters worse, because of the location of the tumor and the kind of operation he was to have and his health not being good. The chances of surviving the operation are extremely slim. Again....not good. You can read Dads take on it here.

I can not even imagine what it is like to be told that if we go ahead with the operation you will not survive and if you don't.......you've only got roughly ex amount of time left. Yet this is the situation we are now in.......As I write this now we have just told my kids the news that Grandad may not be here in a years time. Last week, their two cousins were told. So now that everyone knows........what now?  

My Dad is being strong and has accepted the inevitable, but to be honest I know it is just a front. I'm not ready for him to go and don't want him to.......I will miss him dearly.........and will make the most of the time we have....

The initial few days after being told were tough, trying hard to not let the kids see me upset. If I was feeling sad they were told "Mummy's just feeling tired" and they were fine with that. Although, I'm sure they didn't really believe that was all. My kids are pretty clued up for 7year olds. I found the hardest part was when I was alone in the car. Any sad song or just any love song on the radio would set me off crying, and if I turned the radio off I was stuck with silence and my own thoughts. Both as bad as each other. Then there are the small things that you see, hear or smell that bring back memories.......

I drove past a group of cyclists last week and ended up crying my eyes out. All because I remembered my Dad teaching me to ride my bike along Murray Road, and our shared love of cycling came flooding back. I remember every year sat together watching the Tour de France and then me being so enthused by it going out and riding my bike up and down the street as fast as I could. We even went to see it once when it came to the England. I was hoping again to do that next year..........we shall see. I'm keeping everything crossed. 

At the moment he is still well and still working, if not a little tired and I guess we take each day as it comes. 

You are always in our thoughts Dad and always will be. I pulled this out of Holly's school bag the other day.....

You make me laugh, cry, mad, frustrated, happy and proud and I am very proud to have you as my Dad. 

If this made you cry Dad, then we're more than even after your post!! :-)

I love you xxx